“How great the pain of searing loss; the Father turns his face away”
The most piercing line in the song “How Deep the Father’s Love for Us”. When the death of a loved one happens, the pain is immeasurable, and we find ourselves going through the stages of grief trying to find answers and it does feel as though God has turned his back on us.
As Father’s Day approaches, I am reminded of that deep pain with the loss of a Father. Processing death at a young age was impossible. I didn’t even cry at the funeral. I didn’t even cry when I was informed by my mom that he had died.
I remember the drive after the funeral and the sun was setting a certain way, and I realized my dad was in the sky and he wasn’t coming back down. We pulled over the car.
Fully processing didn’t come until college. The moments of loneliness in college and being uncomfortable, realizing that the reasons for your failed relationships are centered around your father being able to teach you how to be loved and being that example.
My whole growing twenties life has been centered around trying to make this man proud of me. It’s hard because there are so many unanswered questions about his life that I want to know. People come up to me explaining how great of a man he was… But they never explain how … I can’t even google him.
However the deep pain I feel, the tears on my pillow some nights because I missed the man I only knew for such a short period of time, I still feel like I feel him. When I discovered Long Island Medium, I researched how I could get a session with her. This ability she had to communicate with the ones who crossed over made my heart hurt even more because I think about the possible ability to hear from this man who had within my 6 years on earth taught me that I was beautiful and I was worth something, but it didn’t take a full 6 days after his death to settle in those negative thoughts and develop very low self-esteem.
This journey called life has brought a lot of setbacks. The death of my father is probably the biggest and most reoccurring. However, the God I serve offers hope and restoration.
In that same aforementioned song, the beginning is “How deep the Father’s love for us/How vast beyond all measure.”
My God makes no mistakes. Realizing that the earthly life is only temporary, and that one day, I’ll be in that Great Beautiful City reunited.
I also have the most comfort in knowing that right now, my Heavenly Father will provides so much more for me. God has blessed me non stop for the past 24 years,over and over again. I’ve seen God move in my life.
I think about the limitless life that I can live because I put my faith and trust in God. So yes, my earthly fathers death was a setback, but fhe most important thing is that I didn’t let that setback continue to hold me back.
What God has for me, it is for me. Wallowing in self pity and being mad at God would only block me from receiving my blessings and all the endless possibilities that are in store for me.
God puts us through tests and trials. These tests and trials are your way to lean and depend and lean closer to Him.
So as I wait for Father’s Day… I don’t wait in apprehension, I will use that as a day to count my blessings, see how far I’ve made it, reflect on how God has brought me out of darkness, and how I can live a limitless life with faith in God.