Taking Back My Voice Part 2

A late night at a house party after a graduated college, with fellow alumni. A guy I met that night, he said he was a Pastor. We talked for awhile. He had a nice smile. He was interesting, he seemed…different. He said that parties weren’t his scene, because he was a “Man of the Cloth.” He drank from a Sonic cup. He promised it was just strawberry limeade. I went to the restroom. The whole house was dark, the only lights came from the strobe lights and the TV playing familiar songs and music videos. I walked out of the restroom and was suddenly pushed back in. It was him. He reeked of alcohol and strawberries. I fought in the darkness as he searched for parts of my body that were invisible.  He tried to cover my mouth. I slapped him. He laughed. I screamed for help. It was almost too late. I caused a scene. He was asked to leave. He left. He was an ImPastor.

#pussygotyourtongue #thoughtsareout

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Taking Back my Voice: Part 1

The first time was my babysitter. I was three, but I remember. I knew it was wrong. Strict instructions for nap time did not mean that she had to be in bed with me. I remember waking up to her hand down my pants and on my thigh, and as I write these words, I shudder to think about what she did to me when I was asleep. I remember being on the couch next, her asking me “did this hurt?” Nodding…confused. I buried these instances and they always seemed to come back to haunt me when more cases occurred. There was no confrontation when I got older. She drowned at a public swimming pool a few years later. I remember being told about what happened, and my familys’ bewilderment at my utter lack of emotion. #Pussygotyourtongue #thoughtsareout

 

Looking out over Jordan

I just finished my first semester of graduate school. Jackson State was a huge change for me. I somehow managed to survive…barely. I have learned a lot about myself since August.

In August, I am going to be honest, I had this attitude that grad school was going to be a pleasant walk in the park. I just knew that I was going to ace all of my tests, make new friends, and that this was going to be a breeze…. All I can say is LO—–L.

This semester not only tested my stamina, but it also tested my will to want and achieve, my confidence, and my security. This semester I also feel that I was taught to humble myself.

I found myself many nights as I was trying to contemplate what assignment to start on, what should I put first–work or school, or when I was up to my eyeballs in stress quoting “All night and all day.. a band of angels are watching over me…” Then those nights where tears filled my face, when obstacles seemed too big to work through.. “Weeping may endure for a night, but JOY comes in the morning.” And you guys, I weeped. There were sometimes my anger and frustration got  the best of me and I would sometimes lose sight of my goals.

This semester, I had some very dark days, some very dark nights. I was constantly battling myself, always hard on myself and putting myself on some of the highest standards that not even Shaq could touch.

I have learned too, that I must watch my tongue. Words hurt, I have been hurt by words, but I have also found that my tongue has spit out the nastiest of venoms that I have watched rip people to pieces. The insecurities of myself I let overpower me.

I am not sitting here and saying that I have solved all of my problems in 3 months, I am not saying that the demons in my head have been laid to rest. I still have a ways to go.

I am thankful for this semester. I was able to identify things that potentially set me back. I am looking forward to next semester. I am trying to stay positive. I count it all on joy and I am thankful for those many angels.

 

#thoughtsareout

Mind Control

I am a victim of mind control. Who isn’t? We have all been brainwashed by some sort of variable in society, and its not necessarily negative. However sometimes it is negative, and its something that is hard to shake. I have recently graduated from college, and I have beat a lot of odds in doing that. I have also beat so many other odds by graduating being an african-american female and not pregnant or with child.. (can I get a hand clap??) This has all been done through mind control. I have lived these days in the back of my head thinking… I have to do well, because I have a family I don’t want to disappoint and a life and a future I want to build for myself. However, as I have graduated from college… I was asked the question if I could do it all over again.. would I? I froze.. I thought back on my times at college and realized that although some of the best days of my life, they were often some of the loneliest and dreadful days as well. However, I also learned in college that I have the flaw of being easily influenced and guided…or misguided by others. Reflecting on college days, I wonder what would happen if some of the decisions I made or actions that I performed were for me or due to the influence of others, either negative or positive. I realize that I can sit and dwell on these moments or I can realize what I want for myself and move on from there. I have found it very hard to realize what I want for me but I am thankful for the positive influences to help me get where I am today. 

i guess what I am really trying to say is, don’t let your mind be controlled by the wants and desires that others have for you. Do what makes you happy and find your passion and work hard to achieve your goals. As my friend Samantha always says “Live YOUR best life..” 

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